Many years back, Julie and I read a book recommended by our marriage counselor called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. We have used what we learned then repeatedly over the years. It gave us great insight on how I love and liked to be loved and the same for Julie. These do differ.
What are the Five Languages of Love?
These are the languages: time, service, gifts, words and touch. These cover the areas of how not only we love but feel loved. We can have more than one language that are both important, but that is the exception to the rule. It is true that it is not easy always to tell what someones love language is. I will show you what I mean.
Last month was Julie's 50th birthday. I wanted to do something special for her and got together with her mom to come up with the plan of going to Pullman on Valentine's Day for a Cougar Basketball Game. This was to be a time together for her and me with no kids allowed. I thought "what a great gift" and was super excited to give it to her. We had the whole weekend planned - game tickets, hotel, dinner, the works. Except for one very important detail - child care arrangements. I figured "no big deal", I'd figure that out after I gave her the gift.
Well, although she liked the gift, it wasn't perfect because of the fact that she had those child care issues hanging over her head. And that didn't allow her to get excited. I had trouble understanding this, because my love language is time, and this was a gift that really spoke to that. Only problem - it wasn't my present, it was hers! Sometimes, people give love in the same language as they receive love, and that doesn't always work if the other person doesn't have the same love language as you.
The Us Factor by Dr. Joseph Melnick
We have had the privilege of being involved in a newly released Marriage counseling program titled the Us Factor by Dr. Joseph Melnick. It is seems to be good for giving skills to improve your marriage or salvage it. In one lesson, Dr. Melnick stresses the skill of listening to your spouse and that is what I had to do.
We went out on date night, and had a good time. Toward the end of the evening, Julie said she wanted to talk to me about the birthday present, and I agreed to try, without getting too defensive. I tend to get childish sometimes when I think I've made a mistake, and I didn't want to do that. As we talked through the issue, we came to the realization that although Julie also has the love language of time, she has one that is more important to her. What we determined was that it was very important for the child-care problem to be addressed, and that she didn't have to do it for her to feel loved. I still didn't quite get it, so I asked her what would have been a perfect gift.
The Perfect Gift
After processing the idea of a bit, she expressed how she would look back fondly on her 50th remembering going out to dinner. You see I had arranged to not have to work and the kids got all spiffed up (and also disengaged from the Wii). We did it up right and she didn't have to lift a finger. It seems service is her first love language, with time a runner up. Service means sacrifice something of yourself for another (e.g. my work, kids dressing up). I also served her that day by washing the inside and outside of her car. That is quite a feat with our 5 grubby kids. She really enjoyed that too.
A hearty thank you to Dr. Melnick (Us Factor) and Gary Chapman (The Five Love Languages) for facilitating a growing moment for me and Julie. Our marriage is better for it. The Five Love Languages book is a must read for every married couple. - 15255
What are the Five Languages of Love?
These are the languages: time, service, gifts, words and touch. These cover the areas of how not only we love but feel loved. We can have more than one language that are both important, but that is the exception to the rule. It is true that it is not easy always to tell what someones love language is. I will show you what I mean.
Last month was Julie's 50th birthday. I wanted to do something special for her and got together with her mom to come up with the plan of going to Pullman on Valentine's Day for a Cougar Basketball Game. This was to be a time together for her and me with no kids allowed. I thought "what a great gift" and was super excited to give it to her. We had the whole weekend planned - game tickets, hotel, dinner, the works. Except for one very important detail - child care arrangements. I figured "no big deal", I'd figure that out after I gave her the gift.
Well, although she liked the gift, it wasn't perfect because of the fact that she had those child care issues hanging over her head. And that didn't allow her to get excited. I had trouble understanding this, because my love language is time, and this was a gift that really spoke to that. Only problem - it wasn't my present, it was hers! Sometimes, people give love in the same language as they receive love, and that doesn't always work if the other person doesn't have the same love language as you.
The Us Factor by Dr. Joseph Melnick
We have had the privilege of being involved in a newly released Marriage counseling program titled the Us Factor by Dr. Joseph Melnick. It is seems to be good for giving skills to improve your marriage or salvage it. In one lesson, Dr. Melnick stresses the skill of listening to your spouse and that is what I had to do.
We went out on date night, and had a good time. Toward the end of the evening, Julie said she wanted to talk to me about the birthday present, and I agreed to try, without getting too defensive. I tend to get childish sometimes when I think I've made a mistake, and I didn't want to do that. As we talked through the issue, we came to the realization that although Julie also has the love language of time, she has one that is more important to her. What we determined was that it was very important for the child-care problem to be addressed, and that she didn't have to do it for her to feel loved. I still didn't quite get it, so I asked her what would have been a perfect gift.
The Perfect Gift
After processing the idea of a bit, she expressed how she would look back fondly on her 50th remembering going out to dinner. You see I had arranged to not have to work and the kids got all spiffed up (and also disengaged from the Wii). We did it up right and she didn't have to lift a finger. It seems service is her first love language, with time a runner up. Service means sacrifice something of yourself for another (e.g. my work, kids dressing up). I also served her that day by washing the inside and outside of her car. That is quite a feat with our 5 grubby kids. She really enjoyed that too.
A hearty thank you to Dr. Melnick (Us Factor) and Gary Chapman (The Five Love Languages) for facilitating a growing moment for me and Julie. Our marriage is better for it. The Five Love Languages book is a must read for every married couple. - 15255
About the Author:
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